When God Closed a Door...

It started as a small idea, late last year.
An aunt told me about her experience using a doula with one of her births, and how it had been such a wonderful thing. I was intrigued by the concept, as I've long been interested in midwifery, but was not fully comfortable with all that was entailed in that.
Naturally, becoming a doula was an idea that entered my mind - one that greatly appealed.

I researched, and I researched, and I researched some more. The idea became a plan.

I read articles, and listened to podcasts. I dug for knowledge, more useful things to put my plan into action. I pinned to my doula board on Pinterest, trying to be as best prepared as I possibly could be.

When I graduated earlier this year and the "What next?" Question came, I was ready for it. All the details weren't kinked out, and while I didn't know quite when I could put this wonderful plan into action, I had my idealistic time frame. "This Fall, or maybe the beginning of the year.." I would say.

I told others that while there had been times of doubt as to God's will in this, I felt the doors were open. I planned to pursue this dream until, (if ever, even) the doors were clearly closed.

It was interesting though...even in saying that, my time frame kept getting further and further pushed out - first this Fall, then the beginning of the year, then maybe next Fall...

More and more obstacles got in the way. I thought I had the next portion of my life all planned out, but new things kept arising that barred me from getting to that point. It was frustrating. Why were so many things - mainly out of my control, getting in the way of this? So many details that wouldn't even come close to working out.

I had been saying all along that I would pursue this dream unless I felt the God had clearly shut the doors.

And then it hit me. This was God shutting the doors. This was God saying "Not now."

All the different obstacles, all the little things that came up and blocked my way of pursuing this ideal, this was God's way of closing the door.

And in that moment, coming to that realization, there was a peace. I knew that pursuing this dream was not part of His plan for me right now. A week, maybe even a day, before, I would have clung so tightly to that dream, not wanting to give it up.
But at that point, I knew that this was the right thing. I began to more clearly see all the challenges the were before me if I continued pursuing this.

In that, I am, in some ways, back at square one. I don't know what I'm "doing' with my life. I have no idea what this next year will hold (well, I have some idea, obviously, but it's all out of my hands).
In some ways, that's kinda a scary thing for me. I like to be spontaneous every once in awhile, but I like best to have at least a general idea and 'guideline" so to speak, of what my next couple of years is supposed to look like.

Maybe though, as wonderful as it all sounds, that isn't what God has for me.
And if it's not? Then I can rest in that.
My mom challenged me recently - do we have to have a plan for our lives? God already has an ultimate plan that He will work out for our good, so why do we need to worry over our path when the way is unclear?

And she's right. Not to say of course, that we are to be irresponsible with he time and resources He has given, or to float through life aimlessly, but rather to let God do His job in orchestrating our lives, and simply follow His lead.

Because really, isn't that what would bring Him the most glory? And even if I have no idea what *else* He is calling me to, I do know that I am called to that.

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